i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
