I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
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Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
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No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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