Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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