I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
