True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
