I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
