i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
