When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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