he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I think my moral compass just broke
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
