hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
