I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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