My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
