I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
