if i can run in heels then i can drive
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
