So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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