The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
