break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize