He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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