I'm really into asian looking animals
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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