i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
