So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
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I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
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At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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