Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
