Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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