do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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