my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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