i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
