You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
