WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm lost and stupid without you.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
