I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
