I will die if light touches me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
