I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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