Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
