I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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