woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
