I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
