ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
