She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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