I only kidnapped one of them. chill
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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