you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
