so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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