Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
