then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
