My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
