a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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