i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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