For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
