Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
