dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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