if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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