if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
