if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
