I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i out mim tonsoeep
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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