I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I am in a vortex of obligation.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
