Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
In other news, I just burned my penis
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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