I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
