The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
