he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
