im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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