I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
