What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
His hands were made for my vagina.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
