yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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